I feel like grief still overshadows everything in my life. I miss my mom so desperately at times that it feels like my heart is breaking all over again. And now I have to face Christmas without her.
The "firsts" without someone are always hard. First birthday, first anniversary, first holiday... its all a stark reminder that someone you love is no longer here with you. And coming up on the first Christmas makes it feel so fresh and raw all over again. It can take a lot out of you and I've really felt it. Felt lost in depression and grief.
I think the holiday season is just harder because all of the family traditions of my childhood are wrapped up in my mother. I'm the youngest in my family, so i wasn't around when most of our traditions got started, but Mom was definitely the one who kept them going. The Easter baskets, the stockings, the pies, homemade cookies, Sunday pot roast. Mom did all of it. Maybe it has something to do with not having my own family to start new traditions with, but I have felt her absence so acutely in recent weeks.
We are doing our family Christmas early this year and I'm kind of dreading it because I can't bear the thought of doing Christmas without Mom. I even considered bailing because I don't feel ready to deal with it. But the reality is that there's no [healthy] way around dealing with it. Avoiding it this year would only make it harder next year.
The only way is through.
You have to let yourself feel the loss and the pain. If you don't deal with that, you don't give yourself the capacity to let your life continue to grow.
Mom was my person. She was my safe place, my friend and confidant. Mom was home. No one can replace that. But one day, I'll have a new definition of home and maybe that will even include someone else. But getting to that point means facing the pain now, letting my mind and heart work through it.
So even though it's hard and I fully expect to spend a lot of my weekend in tears, I'm going to spend it with family, celebrating Christmas. Listening to Christmas music, remembering and continuing traditions, missing Mom, but enjoying family. Which I know will make Mom happy. And hopefully it will help me move forward, too.
