Reflection

There are times when another's view of who we are is much more a reflection of them than it is of us. That's especially true when someone doesn't know us well (or at all), or when someone is the type to project their own behavior/mentality on others.

I remember being told (quite a lot) in my youth that I'm argumentative and confrontational. In particular, that I argued for no reason - just for the sake of being contrary and that I loved to argue. Which has never been true about me. I can definitely argue, but its always been because I disagree or think something is wrong. I do not enjoy fighting in any form. The same is true for being confrontational. It's another form of fighting and I usually avoid it.

What I learned as I got older is that the person who always said these things about and to me wasn't really describing me. He was describing himself - he was projecting his own behaviors on me because he was too narrow minded to recognize that similar doesn't mean the same.

I'll be honest here, I'm still angry at him for treating me this way. I was raised to think for myself, but I was also treated like doing so was disappointing to the point of disgust. Neverending contradiction. It really messed with my head and I still struggle with mental and emotional health because if it.

Fortunately, there was a stabilizing force in my life, too, in the form of a very loving and accepting person. And somehow, I think I've managed to turn out to be kind in spite of - or maybe even because of - the difficulties. And in the process, I've learned a couple of really important things.

One: let people be wrong about you. No matter how sure someone is that they have you figured out - be honest with and about yourself and if they are wrong, then let them be. You know yourself and if you like you, then that is what's important.

Two: be careful with your thoughts and opinions about others. It's possible you're the one that's wrong about someone. So be generous and gracious in how you see others, and be kind in how you treat them. No matter if they're strangers, acquaintances, friends, or family.

Hard days

Today is one of those days that I would so much rather stay in bed all day. I want to snuggle with my kitties and get lost in a book because reality is just too much sometimes. I wish I had that luxury, but I don't. So I'm at work, trying to be the responsible adult while my heart is so heavy it's hard to focus.

I have loved ones dealing with some painful things and my heart hurts for them. Other than being a sounding board and support, I feel like there's nothing I can do. I want for things to be better, but if they can't be, then I want them to have the courage and strength to accept what is so that they can find peace. 

I'm dealing with my own loneliness and grief. I desperately want a hug from my sweet mom. No matter what else was going on in my life or how lonely I ever felt, I always knew my mom loved me and wanted me to be happy. I miss having that. I miss being able to call or text her when she wasn't here to hug. And I hate that I so often feel like I'm going through all of this alone.

Having lived with this for many years, I recognize what I'm feeling - it's depression rearing it's ugly, monstrous head. And probably a bit of just letting myself feel it all, rather than pushing it aside. When I get like this, I often pray for help and comfort, I try to focus on more positive things so I don't spiral. But sometimes, you have to let it be. 

Just hang on and outlast the storm. 

It will pass.

I guess that's how I'm feeling today. I'm hanging on, getting through the day, just riding out the storm. I know tomorrow will be better. If not tomorrow, then eventually.

Life goes on

It's been a few months since I posted anything, which feels kinda weird, honestly. I've missed it, but also haven't had anything I felt inspired to write about. There are plenty of thoughts swirling my mind, though - ever constant.

I'm worried about my niece, who is having surgery soon to repair a birth defect. While she very much wants this surgery, it is also causing her a great deal of anxiety. I want it all to go well, I want her recovery to go well, and I desperately want her to be able to handle it all.

I'm concerned about a friend who is in a bad relationship but refuses to leave. It's toxic and abusive, but she won't leave. I want so badly for her to wake up from her bone-deep denial about how bad of a situation she's in. But she's an adult and she has to make the choice. My heart hurts for her because of the fear and anxiety she lives in, but I can't force her to do anything. I only hope that I can be a supporter if she ever decides to make a change.

I have responsibilities that I struggle to keep up with. I worry that I'm too focused on myself and miss those small opportunities to serve others. I have some medical issues that I’m still trying to get a handle on. I often feel like I'm not a good cat mom to my furbabies, or that I'm not a good sister or aunt or friend.

I still miss my mom and think of her every day. Just a few days ago, there was something I needed to ask her before remembering she isn't here to ask anymore. My mom was special and I so desperately miss having her here. I know it was time - her mission here was done. But I still feel like I'm not ready for the reality of her absence. It's getting a little easier to handle, the weight of grief isn't as overwhelming. But it's still present.

I'm sure I'm not the only one to feel overwhelmed by life and hardship at times. Because, well, life is hard. 

But, also... life goes on and it doesn't stay that hard forever.

Elder Jeffery R. Holland once said: "...Don’t you quit. You keep walking. You keep trying. There is help and happiness ahead. Some blessings come soon, some come late, and some don’t come until heaven. But for those who embrace the gospel of Jesus Christ, they come. It will be all right in the end. Trust God and believe in good things to come."

I do the best I can with what I have and what I know - and I'm still learning that I need to forgive myself for not knowing better in the past. I'm still learning my limits, when I need to push myself, when I need to give myself a break. So in the meantime, I just keep doing the best I can. I keep trying. And hopefully, I keep learning and keep growing.

It's ok that life can be hard, it's ok that we struggle through it sometimes. The important part is that we keep going. Because there is purpose to all of it. Even when we can't see what good can come of any given hardship, we can have faith that there is good to be found.