Hard days

Today is one of those days that I would so much rather stay in bed all day. I want to snuggle with my kitties and get lost in a book because reality is just too much sometimes. I wish I had that luxury, but I don't. So I'm at work, trying to be the responsible adult while my heart is so heavy it's hard to focus.

I have loved ones dealing with some painful things and my heart hurts for them. Other than being a sounding board and support, I feel like there's nothing I can do. I want for things to be better, but if they can't be, then I want them to have the courage and strength to accept what is so that they can find peace. 

I'm dealing with my own loneliness and grief. I desperately want a hug from my sweet mom. No matter what else was going on in my life or how lonely I ever felt, I always knew my mom loved me and wanted me to be happy. I miss having that. I miss being able to call or text her when she wasn't here to hug. And I hate that I so often feel like I'm going through all of this alone.

Having lived with this for many years, I recognize what I'm feeling - it's depression rearing it's ugly, monstrous head. And probably a bit of just letting myself feel it all, rather than pushing it aside. When I get like this, I often pray for help and comfort, I try to focus on more positive things so I don't spiral. But sometimes, you have to let it be. 

Just hang on and outlast the storm. 

It will pass.

I guess that's how I'm feeling today. I'm hanging on, getting through the day, just riding out the storm. I know tomorrow will be better. If not tomorrow, then eventually.

Life goes on

It's been a few months since I posted anything, which feels kinda weird, honestly. I've missed it, but also haven't had anything I felt inspired to write about. There are plenty of thoughts swirling my mind, though - ever constant.

I'm worried about my niece, who is having surgery soon to repair a birth defect. While she very much wants this surgery, it is also causing her a great deal of anxiety. I want it all to go well, I want her recovery to go well, and I desperately want her to be able to handle it all.

I'm concerned about a friend who is in a bad relationship but refuses to leave. It's toxic and abusive, but she won't leave. I want so badly for her to wake up from her bone-deep denial about how bad of a situation she's in. But she's an adult and she has to make the choice. My heart hurts for her because of the fear and anxiety she lives in, but I can't force her to do anything. I only hope that I can be a supporter if she ever decides to make a change.

I have responsibilities that I struggle to keep up with. I worry that I'm too focused on myself and miss those small opportunities to serve others. I have some medical issues that I’m still trying to get a handle on. I often feel like I'm not a good cat mom to my furbabies, or that I'm not a good sister or aunt or friend.

I still miss my mom and think of her every day. Just a few days ago, there was something I needed to ask her before remembering she isn't here to ask anymore. My mom was special and I so desperately miss having her here. I know it was time - her mission here was done. But I still feel like I'm not ready for the reality of her absence. It's getting a little easier to handle, the weight of grief isn't as overwhelming. But it's still present.

I'm sure I'm not the only one to feel overwhelmed by life and hardship at times. Because, well, life is hard. 

But, also... life goes on and it doesn't stay that hard forever.

Elder Jeffery R. Holland once said: "...Don’t you quit. You keep walking. You keep trying. There is help and happiness ahead. Some blessings come soon, some come late, and some don’t come until heaven. But for those who embrace the gospel of Jesus Christ, they come. It will be all right in the end. Trust God and believe in good things to come."

I do the best I can with what I have and what I know - and I'm still learning that I need to forgive myself for not knowing better in the past. I'm still learning my limits, when I need to push myself, when I need to give myself a break. So in the meantime, I just keep doing the best I can. I keep trying. And hopefully, I keep learning and keep growing.

It's ok that life can be hard, it's ok that we struggle through it sometimes. The important part is that we keep going. Because there is purpose to all of it. Even when we can't see what good can come of any given hardship, we can have faith that there is good to be found. 

The only way is through

I feel like grief still overshadows everything in my life. I miss my mom so desperately at times that it feels like my heart is breaking all over again.  And now I have to face Christmas without her.

The "firsts" without someone are always hard. First birthday, first anniversary, first holiday... its all a stark reminder that someone you love is no longer here with you. And coming up on the first Christmas makes it feel so fresh and raw all over again. It can take a lot out of you and I've really felt it. Felt lost in depression and grief.

I think the holiday season is just harder because all of the family traditions of my childhood are wrapped up in my mother.  I'm the youngest in my family, so i wasn't around when most of our traditions got started, but Mom was definitely the one who kept them going. The Easter baskets, the stockings, the pies, homemade cookies, Sunday pot roast. Mom did all of it. Maybe it has something to do with not having my own family to start new traditions with, but I have felt her absence so acutely in recent weeks. 

We are doing our family Christmas early this year and I'm kind of dreading it because I can't bear the thought of doing Christmas without Mom. I even considered bailing because I don't feel ready to deal with it.  But the reality is that there's no [healthy] way around dealing with it. Avoiding it this year would only make it harder next year. 

The only way is through. 

You have to let yourself feel the loss and the pain. If you don't deal with that, you don't give yourself the capacity to let your life continue to grow. 

Mom was my person. She was my safe place, my friend and confidant. Mom was home.  No one can replace that. But one day, I'll have a new definition of home and maybe that will even include someone else.  But getting to that point means facing the pain now, letting my mind and heart work through it.

So even though it's hard and I fully expect to spend a lot of my weekend in tears, I'm going to spend it with family, celebrating Christmas. Listening to Christmas music, remembering and continuing traditions, missing Mom, but enjoying family.  Which I know will make Mom happy.  And hopefully it will help me move forward, too.