Awkward

I'm awkward. I'm not sure how much others notice it, but it's there and it's big. In fact, I've noticed lately that in my attempts to try to relate to people, it seems I end up just making them uncomfortable. But I also have no idea how to make that better. Because, well, awkward.

Ah, social anxiety, you evil beast! *shakes fist at the sky in futility*

Being the overthinking, analytical, introspective person I am, I'm always trying to figure this out. Why am I anxious in social situations? Why is it so hard to connect with people? How can I help myself not feel so awkward?

Yeah, I don't know. *shrug*

I'm sure the educated objectivity of a therapist would help. Until then, I keep trying. 

There are times the anxiety is too much and I just can't deal, but I do try. I go to a game night once a month. I go to church. I go to work. I try to hang out with friends. Try to support people with important events. I dont always manage it and when I do, I'm usually feeling awkward and out of place the whole time. It can be taxing and exhausting and even scary. But I try anyway. 

I think a lot of us try. And I think it can be easy to devalue the bravery in that - in doing things scared, in doing things that are hard. Because it is brave to be scared and do it anyway. Even if it's something as "simple" as making a phone call. Even if we feel super weird and awkward.

So let's give ourselves a pat on the back. Let's give ourselves credit and give ourselves a break. 

There is value and bravery in trying.

Reflection

There are times when another's view of who we are is much more a reflection of them than it is of us. That's especially true when someone doesn't know us well (or at all), or when someone is the type to project their own behavior/mentality on others.

I remember being told (quite a lot) in my youth that I'm argumentative and confrontational. In particular, that I argued for no reason - just for the sake of being contrary and that I loved to argue. Which has never been true about me. I can definitely argue, but its always been because I disagree or think something is wrong. I do not enjoy fighting in any form. The same is true for being confrontational. It's another form of fighting and I usually avoid it.

What I learned as I got older is that the person who always said these things about and to me wasn't really describing me. He was describing himself - he was projecting his own behaviors on me because he was too narrow minded to recognize that similar doesn't mean the same.

I'll be honest here, I'm still angry at him for treating me this way. I was raised to think for myself, but I was also treated like doing so was disappointing to the point of disgust. Neverending contradiction. It really messed with my head and I still struggle with mental and emotional health because if it.

Fortunately, there was a stabilizing force in my life, too, in the form of a very loving and accepting person. And somehow, I think I've managed to turn out to be kind in spite of - or maybe even because of - the difficulties. And in the process, I've learned a couple of really important things.

One: let people be wrong about you. No matter how sure someone is that they have you figured out - be honest with and about yourself and if they are wrong, then let them be. You know yourself and if you like you, then that is what's important.

Two: be careful with your thoughts and opinions about others. It's possible you're the one that's wrong about someone. So be generous and gracious in how you see others, and be kind in how you treat them. No matter if they're strangers, acquaintances, friends, or family.

Hard days

Today is one of those days that I would so much rather stay in bed all day. I want to snuggle with my kitties and get lost in a book because reality is just too much sometimes. I wish I had that luxury, but I don't. So I'm at work, trying to be the responsible adult while my heart is so heavy it's hard to focus.

I have loved ones dealing with some painful things and my heart hurts for them. Other than being a sounding board and support, I feel like there's nothing I can do. I want for things to be better, but if they can't be, then I want them to have the courage and strength to accept what is so that they can find peace. 

I'm dealing with my own loneliness and grief. I desperately want a hug from my sweet mom. No matter what else was going on in my life or how lonely I ever felt, I always knew my mom loved me and wanted me to be happy. I miss having that. I miss being able to call or text her when she wasn't here to hug. And I hate that I so often feel like I'm going through all of this alone.

Having lived with this for many years, I recognize what I'm feeling - it's depression rearing it's ugly, monstrous head. And probably a bit of just letting myself feel it all, rather than pushing it aside. When I get like this, I often pray for help and comfort, I try to focus on more positive things so I don't spiral. But sometimes, you have to let it be. 

Just hang on and outlast the storm. 

It will pass.

I guess that's how I'm feeling today. I'm hanging on, getting through the day, just riding out the storm. I know tomorrow will be better. If not tomorrow, then eventually.