Grief, Revisited

I've written about grief before, and I've copied some previous thoughts here. But I've been thinking a lot about grief as I am in the midst of it again, and as I see friends also trying to navigate their own loss and grief.

It makes me think of how different each loss has been for me. How different loss is for everyone. How absolutely nothing will ever be the same again after losing someone you love.

It's such a strange feeling, walking around in a haze of grief while everyone else is just carrying on like life is normal.

But you have to keep going, right? You have to keep living, going to school, going to work, doing the dishes, feeding the cat, yada yada. The world keeps on moving even though your whole world has changed. It will truly never be the same - anyone who has grieved the loss of a loved one knows, it never goes away, it never really gets smaller.

Here's the thing, though. It DOES get easier to carry, because your life gets bigger. The pain of it will come and go in waves, but eventually, the good days outnumber the bad days. You find your new normal and this grief you carry becomes part of who you are. A scar more than a gaping wound. Not gone - forever changing the landscape of your heart, but still allowing it to function at full capacity. 

It takes time. And how long a time is different for everyone. So be gentle and patient with yourself. Allow yourself to grieve, but don't be afraid to keep moving and keep living. You'll get there.

Strong and Tough

Something I've been thinking about lately is how being strong and being tough really aren't the same thing. They sometimes get used interchangeably, but I don't think that's accurate. At least, not the way they are often used to describe people.

People who claim to be tough often mean they are impervious to whatever life throws at them. All the metaphorical falls or kicks in the face.  But no one is truly unaffected, so what they're really doing is pushing down or denying how they are affected in order to be "tough," which I'm sure they perceive as being strong.

I once heard that something that is impervious doesn't need to be strong because it can't change anyway. Isn't that fascinating?! 

Imperviousness doesn't make you strong. It could even be considered a sign of weakness. Though I don't believe that's true. I think it's one of many unhealthy coping mechanisms. But how easy is it to trick ourselves into thinking that by not feeling we are being strong?

But the truth is, you don't have to be unaffected in order to be strong. Being strong means you can face what life throws at you. Being strong means you can do hard things. When you fall, you get back up. When you get kicked in the face, you put on an ice pack and keep going. You might need to have a meltdown first, but that's ok. Being strong doesn't mean it's easy or that you put on a brave face through everything, or even that you look graceful doing it.

When depression makes you want to stay in bed all day, but you get up and go to work anyway.

When your kids try your patience but you work at being gentle anyway.

When you do things scared.

When you show kindness to someone who has been unkind to you.

When you own your mistakes and try to do better.

You are being strong. And you're probably so much stronger than you realize.

Water & Salt

"We go together like water and salt"

I know it's not a saying, but it totally should be. It doesn't sound romantic or even friendly at first, but stick with me here... because I have reasons, and they're good ones.

Saltwater is naturally occurring and covers over 70% of the Earth. It's full of life -  not just the plants and animals that live in the water, but also the oxygen that is produced for all us animals that live on land.

Water and salt sustain life. All plants and animals need water to survive. Humans (and I think most living creatures, maybe even plants, I'm no expert) need some amount of sodium as well. It's what helps our bodies retain the water we drink and can provide trace nutrients that are good for our bodies.

Salt is the spice of life. Have you ever had eggs without salt? Or a steak or veggies? Even sweet desserts have a little salt to balance and bring out the other flavors. How boring and bland would our food be without salt?!

Water is the base for cleaning almost anything, too. Not only does it keep us alive, it helps keep us clean and healthy.

Salt, while it's essential for people, is deadly to most bacteria. So it makes food taste better and makes it safer and healthier.

And think of what happens when you add salt to water. It dissolves from its crystal form and blends with the water seemlessly. But here's the important part - they don't become each other. You still have salt and water. You could boil the water out and you would still have salt while the water turns to steam. It would be different, sure, but it would still be salt and water. Separate and individual from each other, even if they were changed by each other.

So, yeah. It may not be the most eloquent or poetic sounding. But wouldn't you want that kind of relationship? Whether it's romantic, platonic, professional, or whatever kind of relationship.  Two things that are so complementary and so vital to life are good things to compare it to.

We go together like water and salt.

Let's make it a thing. 😉