Don't let comparison rob you of compassion

There is a difference between sharing a similar experience to someone in understanding, and sharing a similar experience in comparison.

For some of us, sharing a similar experience is how we express that we understand, at least a little, what you're going through. It's a sign of compassion and empathy. We're here with you in this struggle. We aren't trying to make it about us, or diminish whatever you are feeling. We are trying to help you carry that burden, or unpack that suitcase.

For some of us, it's a comparison. It is a way to diminish or even dismiss your feelings because we have/had it worse, so you shouldn't complain or whine about it. It might even be a way to make it about us, again dismissing your feelings as if ours are more important or significant somehow.

I've been on the receiving end of both. One is definitely better than the other. 

But I have learned a few things from experiencing both kinds of people.

I've learned that there is no valid comparison between what each of us struggle with. No matter how similar or different it may seem. My challenges do not diminish or accentuate yours. Yours don't do so to mine. The end.

I've also learned that you can be frustrated, unhappy, or even angry about whatever opposition or adversity you're experiencing AND be grateful at the same time. Grateful that its not worse, grateful for whatever is giving you strength and courage to face it and deal with it. Gratitude doesn't equal no negative feelings or thoughts about something hard in your life.

And I've learned that you can be upset about your own challenges and still feel compassion for someone else's. There will always be someone who "has it worse" - that does not mean you have no right to feel bad about your own suffering. The two aren't mutually exclusive.

Don't let a comparison mentality rob you of compassion. We all need compassion. We all need to receive it. We all need to give it - to others and to ourselves.

Come as you are

I had a moment this morning that I feel inspired to share.

As I was driving to church, I was listening to some "Sunday" music and the song Come As You Are by Nathan Pacheco came on.  It's a really beautiful song. It always makes me think of my sweet sister, who had so many disabilities and challenges in this life. But it also reminds me of the love our Heavenly Father and Savior have for each of us. Just as we are.

Today, though, it brought me something new.

The chorus goes like this:

"So lay down your burdens, lay down your shame
All who are broken, lift up your face
Oh wanderer come home, you're not too far
So lay down your hurt, lay down your heart
Come as you are"

As I listened to these words, an image came to my mind. One of the Savior, His hands reaching out toward me, as I reached toward Him. He took my hands in His, gripping them in love and support.

The image was so powerful and touching, I found myself squeezing the steering wheel, my eyes filled with tears. 

I'm so grateful for the tender mercies of Heavenly Father. Those small (sometimes big) moments and experiences that show us His love and remind us we are never alone. That Jesus Christ is ever reaching out for us - only waiting for us to reach for Him, too.

I've Been Thinking About Anger

My mom always used to say that being angry was a waste of energy. I've been taught my whole life to keep my temper in check, to be slow to anger, etc. 

And I do believe all of that. 

But I also believe that anger can and does serve a purpose. 

I've read or heard that anger is a secondary emotion. First we feel hurt, betrayed, insulted, disrespected, etc. And then we feel angry at someone for doing whatever caused those feelings. Possibly angry at ourselves for being in the situation. Angry that it happened at all. But the anger is our reaction to being hurt in some other way.

This is where we have a choice to make.

We can hold on to that anger, hold a grudge, and be miserable and bitter about it's cause for the rest of our lives.

Or, we can look inward to understand why we feel angry so we can learn from it and then let it go.

Hence, the purpose of anger. If we take the time to consider why we are angry, we can learn a lot about ourselves and understand our boundaries and limits better. Which can lead us to making necessary changes, either in ourselves, our environment, or our relationships.

I am smack in the middle of exactly that right now. I have been spurred into making changes that are long overdue because I was finally angry enough to realize there are things I can no longer  tolerate. It has helped me get past my fear and trepidation about those changes. Gone are the excuses to keep the status quo. Now it's all about getting myself into a better and healthier situation.

Much like everything else in this life, it all comes down to choice. How we react or respond to feeling angry is far more significant than feeling it in the first place.

Holding onto anger is harmful.

Learning from it is growth.

Lifted

It's incredible what some time with the right person, or time doing the right thing, can do for your soul.

The last six to eight months have brought several pretty huge changes to my life, along with some less extreme trials.

I had to move, which meant a lot of downsizing and cleaning. We had to sell our parents' house and get rid of most of their things. My sister spent months in the hospital, then after being back home a short time, suffered a medical event that led to her death. Then I was sick one way or another for two and half months. Plus there's the physical, mental, and emotional turmoil and struggles that go along with it all.

It's been a lot. And it's been hard. 

I mean, I'm ok - I can carry it. But it's still heavy sometimes. Or maybe a lot of the time. I think I don't always realize how heavy it can get until something happens that helps make it less so.

Like spending some much needed time with my bestie. We live states apart so we don't see each other often. But she was in town recently, and we managed to get some time together. I left that visit feeling positively light. Like some of what weighed me down had been lifted. I like to think I do the same for her.

I hope we all find someone or something that can do that for us. A friend, a hobby, a pastime, meditation, music... Something that helps us see the light through the darkness or to decompress so we can face life with renewed strength and courage.

Grief, Revisited

I've written about grief before, and I've copied some previous thoughts here. But I've been thinking a lot about grief as I am in the midst of it again, and as I see friends also trying to navigate their own loss and grief.

It makes me think of how different each loss has been for me. How different loss is for everyone. How absolutely nothing will ever be the same again after losing someone you love.

It's such a strange feeling, walking around in a haze of grief while everyone else is just carrying on like life is normal.

But you have to keep going, right? You have to keep living, going to school, going to work, doing the dishes, feeding the cat, yada yada. The world keeps on moving even though your whole world has changed. It will truly never be the same - anyone who has grieved the loss of a loved one knows, it never goes away, it never really gets smaller.

Here's the thing, though. It DOES get easier to carry, because your life gets bigger. The pain of it will come and go in waves, but eventually, the good days outnumber the bad days. You find your new normal and this grief you carry becomes part of who you are. A scar more than a gaping wound. Not gone - forever changing the landscape of your heart, but still allowing it to function at full capacity. 

It takes time. And how long a time is different for everyone. So be gentle and patient with yourself. Allow yourself to grieve, but don't be afraid to keep moving and keep living. You'll get there.

Strong and Tough

Something I've been thinking about lately is how being strong and being tough really aren't the same thing. They sometimes get used interchangeably, but I don't think that's accurate. At least, not the way they are often used to describe people.

People who claim to be tough often mean they are impervious to whatever life throws at them. All the metaphorical falls or kicks in the face.  But no one is truly unaffected, so what they're really doing is pushing down or denying how they are affected in order to be "tough," which I'm sure they perceive as being strong.

I once heard that something that is impervious doesn't need to be strong because it can't change anyway. Isn't that fascinating?! 

Imperviousness doesn't make you strong. It could even be considered a sign of weakness. Though I don't believe that's true. I think it's one of many unhealthy coping mechanisms. But how easy is it to trick ourselves into thinking that by not feeling we are being strong?

But the truth is, you don't have to be unaffected in order to be strong. Being strong means you can face what life throws at you. Being strong means you can do hard things. When you fall, you get back up. When you get kicked in the face, you put on an ice pack and keep going. You might need to have a meltdown first, but that's ok. Being strong doesn't mean it's easy or that you put on a brave face through everything, or even that you look graceful doing it.

When depression makes you want to stay in bed all day, but you get up and go to work anyway.

When your kids try your patience but you work at being gentle anyway.

When you do things scared.

When you show kindness to someone who has been unkind to you.

When you own your mistakes and try to do better.

You are being strong. And you're probably so much stronger than you realize.

Water & Salt

"We go together like water and salt"

I know it's not a saying, but it totally should be. It doesn't sound romantic or even friendly at first, but stick with me here... because I have reasons, and they're good ones.

Saltwater is naturally occurring and covers over 70% of the Earth. It's full of life -  not just the plants and animals that live in the water, but also the oxygen that is produced for all us animals that live on land.

Water and salt sustain life. All plants and animals need water to survive. Humans (and I think most living creatures, maybe even plants, I'm no expert) need some amount of sodium as well. It's what helps our bodies retain the water we drink and can provide trace nutrients that are good for our bodies.

Salt is the spice of life. Have you ever had eggs without salt? Or a steak or veggies? Even sweet desserts have a little salt to balance and bring out the other flavors. How boring and bland would our food be without salt?!

Water is the base for cleaning almost anything, too. Not only does it keep us alive, it helps keep us clean and healthy.

Salt, while it's essential for people, is deadly to most bacteria. So it makes food taste better and makes it safer and healthier.

And think of what happens when you add salt to water. It dissolves from its crystal form and blends with the water seemlessly. But here's the important part - they don't become each other. You still have salt and water. You could boil the water out and you would still have salt while the water turns to steam. It would be different, sure, but it would still be salt and water. Separate and individual from each other, even if they were changed by each other.

So, yeah. It may not be the most eloquent or poetic sounding. But wouldn't you want that kind of relationship? Whether it's romantic, platonic, professional, or whatever kind of relationship.  Two things that are so complementary and so vital to life are good things to compare it to.

We go together like water and salt.

Let's make it a thing. 😉

Rest

My dad used to tell me, "a change is as good as a rest."

It was his way of saying that if one task was getting tiresome, that you don't have to do nothing, just switch to a different task. (He was all about being productive.) And sometimes, maybe all you need is a change. But, most of the time, we need legitimate rest. And not just physical rest.

Most of us, if we have a broken leg, we will use the crutches and keep off that leg to give it the rest it needs to repair. We know that the consequence of not doing so can prevent us from healing and regaining our strength and ability to walk.

For example, I hurt my back last week. I've had to do a lot more sitting and lying down than usual. I've had to take meds for the pain. I've had to be very careful with any physical exertion so I don't make it worse. 

And it got me thinking, do we do the same for our minds and our hearts?

We can't continuously power through everything. We need to listen to our bodies and our minds and take a break. Stop the rush and the noise. Recharge in the stillness and the quiet. 

Taking time to recover, heal, recharge - it's not wasting time. It's necessary.

How you made them feel

I learned so many great lessons from my mom. Even now that she's gone, I feel like I'm still learning from her and the example she was.

I was thinking about my mom this morning. Many years ago, my parents served a mission for our church and served on a cattle and citrus ranch. Part of my mom's time was spent volunteering at the local elementary school. She worked one-on-one with some of the students to help them with subjects in which they were struggling.

I remember mom telling me how one boy she helped was almost failing math, but after working with her, he was passing with a good grade. She was so proud of him for his improvement, and proud of herself for being able to help him.

I was a little surprised because Mom was not good at math! She was, however, tolerant, kind, and almost unfailingly patient. These kiddos definitely benefited from her gentleness in helping with their schoolwork. I'm sure she helped them feel safe and unhurried, so they had time to really learn.

It just goes to show that patience and kindness can work wonders. 

Maya Angelou once said "I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel."

You don't have to be an expert to help a child with math or spelling. And you don't have to have all the answers to help a friend going through a difficult time. You just need to be there - be a safe place by being patient, kind, and supportive. That will likely mean more than any expertise or advice, anyway.

Feeling safe and loved is powerful medicine. We all need it and we can all give it.

Awkward

I'm awkward. I'm not sure how much others notice it, but it's there and it's big. In fact, I've noticed lately that in my attempts to try to relate to people, it seems I end up just making them uncomfortable. But I also have no idea how to make that better. Because, well, awkward.

Ah, social anxiety, you evil beast! *shakes fist at the sky in futility*

Being the overthinking, analytical, introspective person I am, I'm always trying to figure this out. Why am I anxious in social situations? Why is it so hard to connect with people? How can I help myself not feel so awkward?

Yeah, I don't know. *shrug*

I'm sure the educated objectivity of a therapist would help. Until then, I keep trying. 

There are times the anxiety is too much and I just can't deal, but I do try. I go to a game night once a month. I go to church. I go to work. I try to hang out with friends. Try to support people with important events. I dont always manage it and when I do, I'm usually feeling awkward and out of place the whole time. It can be taxing and exhausting and even scary. But I try anyway. 

I think a lot of us try. And I think it can be easy to devalue the bravery in that - in doing things scared, in doing things that are hard. Because it is brave to be scared and do it anyway. Even if it's something as "simple" as making a phone call. Even if we feel super weird and awkward.

So let's give ourselves a pat on the back. Let's give ourselves credit and give ourselves a break. 

There is value and bravery in trying.

Reflection

There are times when another's view of who we are is much more a reflection of them than it is of us. That's especially true when someone doesn't know us well (or at all), or when someone is the type to project their own behavior/mentality on others.

I remember being told (quite a lot) in my youth that I'm argumentative and confrontational. In particular, that I argued for no reason - just for the sake of being contrary and that I loved to argue. Which has never been true about me. I can definitely argue, but its always been because I disagree or think something is wrong. I do not enjoy fighting in any form. The same is true for being confrontational. It's another form of fighting and I usually avoid it.

What I learned as I got older is that the person who always said these things about and to me wasn't really describing me. He was describing himself - he was projecting his own behaviors on me because he was too narrow minded to recognize that similar doesn't mean the same.

I'll be honest here, I'm still angry at him for treating me this way. I was raised to think for myself, but I was also treated like doing so was disappointing to the point of disgust. Neverending contradiction. It really messed with my head and I still struggle with mental and emotional health because if it.

Fortunately, there was a stabilizing force in my life, too, in the form of a very loving and accepting person. And somehow, I think I've managed to turn out to be kind in spite of - or maybe even because of - the difficulties. And in the process, I've learned a couple of really important things.

One: let people be wrong about you. No matter how sure someone is that they have you figured out - be honest with and about yourself and if they are wrong, then let them be. You know yourself and if you like you, then that is what's important.

Two: be careful with your thoughts and opinions about others. It's possible you're the one that's wrong about someone. So be generous and gracious in how you see others, and be kind in how you treat them. No matter if they're strangers, acquaintances, friends, or family.

Hard days

Today is one of those days that I would so much rather stay in bed all day. I want to snuggle with my kitties and get lost in a book because reality is just too much sometimes. I wish I had that luxury, but I don't. So I'm at work, trying to be the responsible adult while my heart is so heavy it's hard to focus.

I have loved ones dealing with some painful things and my heart hurts for them. Other than being a sounding board and support, I feel like there's nothing I can do. I want for things to be better, but if they can't be, then I want them to have the courage and strength to accept what is so that they can find peace. 

I'm dealing with my own loneliness and grief. I desperately want a hug from my sweet mom. No matter what else was going on in my life or how lonely I ever felt, I always knew my mom loved me and wanted me to be happy. I miss having that. I miss being able to call or text her when she wasn't here to hug. And I hate that I so often feel like I'm going through all of this alone.

Having lived with this for many years, I recognize what I'm feeling - it's depression rearing it's ugly, monstrous head. And probably a bit of just letting myself feel it all, rather than pushing it aside. When I get like this, I often pray for help and comfort, I try to focus on more positive things so I don't spiral. But sometimes, you have to let it be. 

Just hang on and outlast the storm. 

It will pass.

I guess that's how I'm feeling today. I'm hanging on, getting through the day, just riding out the storm. I know tomorrow will be better. If not tomorrow, then eventually.

Life goes on

It's been a few months since I posted anything, which feels kinda weird, honestly. I've missed it, but also haven't had anything I felt inspired to write about. There are plenty of thoughts swirling my mind, though - ever constant.

I'm worried about my niece, who is having surgery soon to repair a birth defect. While she very much wants this surgery, it is also causing her a great deal of anxiety. I want it all to go well, I want her recovery to go well, and I desperately want her to be able to handle it all.

I'm concerned about a friend who is in a bad relationship but refuses to leave. It's toxic and abusive, but she won't leave. I want so badly for her to wake up from her bone-deep denial about how bad of a situation she's in. But she's an adult and she has to make the choice. My heart hurts for her because of the fear and anxiety she lives in, but I can't force her to do anything. I only hope that I can be a supporter if she ever decides to make a change.

I have responsibilities that I struggle to keep up with. I worry that I'm too focused on myself and miss those small opportunities to serve others. I have some medical issues that I’m still trying to get a handle on. I often feel like I'm not a good cat mom to my furbabies, or that I'm not a good sister or aunt or friend.

I still miss my mom and think of her every day. Just a few days ago, there was something I needed to ask her before remembering she isn't here to ask anymore. My mom was special and I so desperately miss having her here. I know it was time - her mission here was done. But I still feel like I'm not ready for the reality of her absence. It's getting a little easier to handle, the weight of grief isn't as overwhelming. But it's still present.

I'm sure I'm not the only one to feel overwhelmed by life and hardship at times. Because, well, life is hard. 

But, also... life goes on and it doesn't stay that hard forever.

Elder Jeffery R. Holland once said: "...Don’t you quit. You keep walking. You keep trying. There is help and happiness ahead. Some blessings come soon, some come late, and some don’t come until heaven. But for those who embrace the gospel of Jesus Christ, they come. It will be all right in the end. Trust God and believe in good things to come."

I do the best I can with what I have and what I know - and I'm still learning that I need to forgive myself for not knowing better in the past. I'm still learning my limits, when I need to push myself, when I need to give myself a break. So in the meantime, I just keep doing the best I can. I keep trying. And hopefully, I keep learning and keep growing.

It's ok that life can be hard, it's ok that we struggle through it sometimes. The important part is that we keep going. Because there is purpose to all of it. Even when we can't see what good can come of any given hardship, we can have faith that there is good to be found. 

The only way is through

I feel like grief still overshadows everything in my life. I miss my mom so desperately at times that it feels like my heart is breaking all over again.  And now I have to face Christmas without her.

The "firsts" without someone are always hard. First birthday, first anniversary, first holiday... its all a stark reminder that someone you love is no longer here with you. And coming up on the first Christmas makes it feel so fresh and raw all over again. It can take a lot out of you and I've really felt it. Felt lost in depression and grief.

I think the holiday season is just harder because all of the family traditions of my childhood are wrapped up in my mother.  I'm the youngest in my family, so i wasn't around when most of our traditions got started, but Mom was definitely the one who kept them going. The Easter baskets, the stockings, the pies, homemade cookies, Sunday pot roast. Mom did all of it. Maybe it has something to do with not having my own family to start new traditions with, but I have felt her absence so acutely in recent weeks. 

We are doing our family Christmas early this year and I'm kind of dreading it because I can't bear the thought of doing Christmas without Mom. I even considered bailing because I don't feel ready to deal with it.  But the reality is that there's no [healthy] way around dealing with it. Avoiding it this year would only make it harder next year. 

The only way is through. 

You have to let yourself feel the loss and the pain. If you don't deal with that, you don't give yourself the capacity to let your life continue to grow. 

Mom was my person. She was my safe place, my friend and confidant. Mom was home.  No one can replace that. But one day, I'll have a new definition of home and maybe that will even include someone else.  But getting to that point means facing the pain now, letting my mind and heart work through it.

So even though it's hard and I fully expect to spend a lot of my weekend in tears, I'm going to spend it with family, celebrating Christmas. Listening to Christmas music, remembering and continuing traditions, missing Mom, but enjoying family.  Which I know will make Mom happy.  And hopefully it will help me move forward, too.

Thoughts

So many things have been on my mind lately.

Losing a parent, especially one you're close to, is so hard. I miss my sweet mom with every breath I take. There is not a thing in my life that grief doesn't touch. And then there are all the changes we are dealing with because she is gone. Plus all the normal life stuff, like my job and my work at church. Then there's all the health issues I'm trying to get under control.  Add in some mental illness and it's sometimes overwhelming to be a person. It can make your heart heavy, make it hard to get through the day.

A week ago (or so), I had many things I wanted to get done. My list was long and time consuming and I knew I wouldn't get to it all. I hoped I would be able to tackle a good chunk of it, but by the end of the day, I'd barely done anything.  I was a little disappointed in my lack of accomplishment, but then I remembered something I saw a while back. 

A quote from a college professor somewhere: "anything worth doing is worth doing poorly."

That's a head scratching one, isn't it? Quite the opposite of how I was raised. But the point of it is, it's better to do something than nothing. For people with mental illness like depression or anxiety, this can be life changing. When taking a shower is too much, at least wash your face. When cleaning the whole kitchen is too much, at least take out the trash. And so on.

What a different way to look at yourself!

On this particular day, all I had wanted to do since I woke up was just stay in bed. I wanted to sleep and read and eat cookie dough and call it a day.  In stead, I got up and got some things done. I was ridiculously tired and very low on energy and it took all day, but I did it.  I managed to adult and accomplish something. 

What I did not do was nothing. 

I decided to focus on that and be proud of myself for doing something when all I wanted was to do nothing.

Life can sometimes beat you over the head and knock you flat on your back.  But life can also be beautiful; full of friends, fall colors and spring flowers, good times and happy memories.

Focusing on the positive doesn't magically cure depression or fast-forward you through the stages of grief. But it does help lift some of the burden, it makes getting through the day a little easier.  Because what we choose to focus on is what we will find.

Listen

I've been thinking about listening. Not just to the people around us, but to that indefinable voice inside that seems to prepare us for things we can't know to expect. Those times when you realize, "something just told me..." or "I had a feeling...".

If you've read my recent posts, you know my mom passed away last month. The month before that, I decided at the last minute to go see her for Mother's Day. During that visit, I uncharacteristically and spontaneously decided to take a selfie of the two of us. I also remember noticing how frail she seemed and wondering how much longer she would be with us.

It turned out to be just a few more weeks.

I was so incredibly grateful I listened and paid attention to that feeling that told me it was important.

Those feelings and thoughts are there for a reason. I sometimes find it hard to tell if it's really a prompting or just my wishful thinking. But there are times that I'm left with no doubt where it's coming from, even if that understanding doesn't come until afterwards. And I often regretted the times I brushed those thoughts aside, thinking I was being silly or foolish.

I'm a religious person and I believe that "voice" is spiritual inspiration or revelation. Some people probably think of it as instinct or intuition. Maybe some people think of it as a guardian angel or as the universe sending you a message.

Whatever it is you believe - listen.

Understanding

My mom passed a way a few weeks ago. My life has turned upside down and I hate even thinking of this world without my sweet mother in it. So much emotion, so much pain, so much missing her. It's all still so very raw. But the world doesn't stop because I'm grieving.

The the day after Mom's services, I had to have a medical procedure that required me to be sedated (essentially asleep). They also gave me a sedative in pre-op that's in the same family as Ativan. On top of that, I was prescribed narcotic pain killers for after the procedure.

When I was home and basically resting, letting the meds wear off, I realized I wasn't feeling much. Not like being in shock or shutting down, where you can feel all the emotion is under the surface but aren't really touching it. It was more like the bulk of the emotion just wasn't there. It was an unexpected reprieve. I remember glancing over at those pill bottles and thinking, "I get why people get addicted to this." And soon after I thought, "no wonder drug addiction changes a person so much."

We've all been through things that cause us to feel so much that it can be overwhelming. And some people can get overwhelmed more easily or more often than others. So when it's all too much and there's this drug you can take that makes you not feel all the hard things? Wow. That is incredibly tempting.

Imagine reaching for the numbness anytime you feel something big.

Imagine doing that for months or years.

Constantly escaping those hard feelings by taking or doing something that makes you not feel. 

You wouldn't feel the pain, the happiness, the compassion, the sorrow - none of it. Not deeply enough to matter, at least. And when you're numb all the time, you might forget who you are when you do feel and you would make different choices, treat people differently.

Of course that changes a person. They could go from otherwise being "normal" and kind, to being the selfish addict whose only real focus is the next high, the next way to find the numbness.

Sadly, the addict chasing the high is often all people see. They don't see the depth of emotion and pain, the trauma, the seemingly brokenness in a person that caused them to turn to drugs or alcohol (or whatever) to begin with. Something a lot of people don't understand if they don't deal with addiction in some way - addiction is almost never about the thing you're addicted to. It's an unhealthy coping mechanism, an escape, a substitute to fill a void you don't know how else to fill. 

While this experience of mine is pretty minimal, it has given me a whole new level of understanding. I can believe that there are people who feel like they NEED that numbness in order to function. Maybe their pain or trauma is just too big and they never really recovered or learned how to deal with it.  That breaks my heart.

I didn't like that numbness - emotion makes up such a huge part of my personality and character. I prefer to feel what I feel and to be aware and in control. But the numbness I felt the other day was definitely a reprieve - one I wasn't looking or asking for, but the relief of it, in the middle of all this raw grief, was undeniable.  I can see why someone would seek it out.

I hope I can hold on to that memory and see people with addiction with more compassion and understanding than maybe I have in the past. Because broken minds and broken hearts need healing, too.

Moody

I've been in a mood lately - probably for weeks now, maybe even longer.  A constant state of frustration and irritability, and that's on top of mild depression and a growing case of social anxiety, and tack on some hefty burnout, too.  It's bad enough that people who see me regularly have noticed and expressed concern.  They aren't wrong. This negative attitude and grumpy mood is proof that I'm not mentally or emotionally in a great place.

It's been at work that this mood has been most noticeable, I think.  I'm surrounded by grown people who don't seem to be able to act like it.  People who want to get paid but don't want to earn it.  I end up feeling like I'm babysitting and cleaning up after them and that isn't supposed to be my job.  But even in my own time, I'm struggling to find the gumption to handle adulting responsibilities beyond going to work and paying bills.  

I don't think I'm a particularly selfish or self-centered person.  But my never-ending internal dialogue is usually a lot of introspection and analysis of myself, my experiences, my interactions with the people around me.  It can be hard to get out of my head, to let go of what I can't control, and focus on more productive things.  In the past, spending time with a good friend and focusing on them for a time has helped with that. Of course, those opportunities are much fewer these days. 

Today, I saw a post on Facebook from a lady who is a friend of a family member.  She posted the question, "who needs prayers this week?"  Most of the responses I saw were people asking for prayers for their family and friends, though some asked for themselves as well.

She does this about every week, so it wasn't new to me, but for some reason, today it brought tears to my eyes.  I always thought it was kind and thoughtful, but it hit me that it's so much more.  I was touched by this woman's open willingness to pray on behalf of others, many of them strangers to her. Strangers!  What a sweet, loving, and compassionate service to offer.  And it reminded me that sometimes we need to focus outward.

I've talked before about self-care and that is very important because we need the balance it brings.  But it's equally important to take time to think outside ourselves, time to focus on someone else, and find ways to be of service to our fellow human beings.  Taking time to serve one another helps us to love our neighbor and even helps us to have a clearer perspective on our own struggles.

I can readily admit that this is not easy for me and there are plenty of personal struggles to justify why that is.  But then again, doesn't that just mean I need to try harder?  Burn out and feeling that our own emotional needs aren't being met can make it feel near impossible to give part of our time and energy to someone else.  In doing so, however, we will find our own spirits lifted, our own burdens easier to carry.  And along with that, our grumpy moods will improve, too.

Make weak things strong

Getting religious today.

There is a scripture in the Book Of Mormon that I have always liked.  It was one I memorized in seminary (during high school) and I'm sure it's still part of the the curriculum.  I know it's been part of discussions in Sunday School lessons, as well.

The scripture is Ether 12:27: "And if men come onto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them."

I've heard a few different interpretations for this verse, mainly about what it means to have weak things become strong.  Does it mean that weaknesses become strengths? Maybe. But I don't really think so.  As I've gotten older and lived more life, experienced more trials and challenges, I've come to think its more that we become strong because of our weakness.

Our weaknesses have the purpose of keeping us humble, which also makes us more likely to seek the Lord's help in overcoming those weaknesses. With the help of our Heavenly Father and Savior, through the guidance of the Holy Ghost, we can overcome the challenges of our weaknesses.  This makes me think of how our bodies change as we exercise. As we walk/run, lift weights, etc., our bodies get stronger and are able to do more for longer.  I think the same things happens on a spiritual level when go to our Heavenly Father in humble prayer to do better with the things in our lives that are hard.  The weakness doesn't really go away or suddenly become something that is strong - more that we become stronger and more able to overcome.

I saw a quote today that I feel connects with this concept (and my apologies: I couldn't find it again, so I don't know who to give credit to). It was this: "Our trials don't define us, but they can refine us."  What an important message!

Maybe we have made poor or unwise choices in the past.  Maybe we've allowed temptation to to get the better of us.  Maybe we've allowed some "weakness" to become a crutch or excuse.  If you're like me, you can feel a lot of guilt over such things and can really beat yourself up over it.  But the trials we endure and the challenges we face because of our weaknesses don't have to define us. That's the beautiful thing about choices and repentance - we have the opportunity to change.  Putting in the work and the effort to change and do better is what refines us.

It's not easy to look at ourselves and see our weaknesses as opportunities to grow.  For some of us, seeing those weaknesses can make us feel like we're failing.  But I believe as we keep trying to do better, and we keep trying to make good choices, our Heavenly Father will bless us with the strength to do and be better - He will make us strong.

Hope

Today is by brother's birthday; he would be 43 if he were still with us. He's been gone since 1995 and was 17 when he died. I remember when we hit the 18 year mark and how that felt significant because he'd been gone longer than he was here. It's still bizarre to think he's been gone the majority of my life.

Every year on his birthday, and on the anniversary of his death, he is on my mind. Some years, it's just part of the day and memories flit around throughout. But sometimes, like today, it hits me pretty hard and feels more like he's only been gone a year or two, rather than over 25 years.

I don't know what the difference is or why it's harder some years than others. Maybe it's just the nature of grief - because you never "get over" losing a loved one. Even though your life continues to grow around it, that hole stays in your heart always. So I guess it's not really surprising that there are times it can feel so much bigger than others.

My big brother has been on my mind all week. There have been many times over the years that I have desperately wished he were still here. Wished that I had him to turn to for his opinion or advice. I've hoped that we would have become better friends as we got older. And I have wished for our family to feel a little more whole.

I do believe and have faith that I will see my brother again because I believe that families are eternal. But today my heart is heavy, feeling that loss from so many years ago, missing my brother, feeling something like homesickness for the missed opportunity to know each other as adults. Even in the sadness and grief, though, my faith in eternal families gives me peace and hope.

At the end of the day, that peace and hope is what I reach for and cling to. It's how I made it through those first and most difficult years. It's what keeps me going. It's what reminds me there is a purpose to this life. 

I'm sure a few more tears will be shed today. I'm also sure that my faith, and the peace and hope it brings, will continue to get me through and give me comfort and rest.