Comparisons

Comparison is EVIL. Seriously.

Raise your hand if you tend to compare yourself to others.

Why aren't my curls as smooth as hers? She's thinner than I am. Is he smarter than I am? I'm not as good at [fill in the blank] as they are.

And a million other things - probably in ways we don't even realize.

I'm a religious person. I believe in God and Jesus Christ. I believe in honoring the law and in standing up for what is right. I know that the only standard that matters, the only one I should be trying to live up to, is to emulate my Savior. I also know that my Heavenly Father does not expect me to be perfect in this lifetime. He only wants me to try, to make good choices and to love my neighbor.

I know this.

Even so, I still have this horrible habit of comparing myself to others. Occasionally, it feeds my pride, and I get humbled along the way. But most of the time, I find myself lacking.

There's an objective part of my brain that knows I'm being too hard on myself, that I'm being unfair in those comparisons. But the emotional part of my brain is not getting the memo. So I end up thinking, I suck at this, my efforts don't count because this other person does it better, etc. I could go on and on.

And, I mean, really. It's ridiculously unfair. Most of us don't think that way about others. We look at the work of ten different artists and we have favorites among them, but all are beautiful. We don't think our one or two favorites are the only ones of value. 

But that's exactly what we are doing to ourselves when we compare. That person's [whatever] is better than mine, therefore mine isn't worth as much or worth anything.

Just like having favorites among ten different works of art, we will each have different favorites. I like this one. You like that one. Joe likes this other one. That doesn't mean we don't see the beauty and appreciate the others.

It's important for us to see the beauty and appreciate ourselves as much as we do for other people.

It's one of those things I'm still learning how to do, fumbling along the way. I think it comes back to retraining the voice in our heads - change those comparisons into something positive. Try looking at yourself the way you would a friend, compliment yourself, be your own cheerleader. That seems like a good place to start.

That Voice In Your Head

Now, I'm not talking about schizophrenia or multiple personalities here. I mean our own voices - the way we think about and talk to ourselves. If you're anything like me, sometimes (or even most of the time), that voice can get pretty harsh, it can be mean and hateful.

And, just... Why do we do this to ourselves?

The answer is different for everyone, I'm sure, and probably would require an objective professional to figure out. But I sure know how hurtful and damaging it can be. In fact, for me, that unkind voice is often what triggers a bout depression. The unkind voice is triggered, too, usually by something hurtful that taps into one of my many insecurities. 

But that voice.  

It's like falling down the rabbit hole. The ugliness is like a hamster wheel and every time it loops around, I spiral deeper. Round and round it goes, until it's about all I can think about. And then I feel so heavy, worthless, and lonely. Depression rearing its ugly head.

I'm sure I'm not the only one who goes through this. And I certainly wish I had astounding words of wisdom, some cure-all, but I don't. I do know that when I start to spiral, I need to redirect my thoughts and change the voice, change the focus of my thoughts. It's more complicated than just thinking about something else. It's not about distraction or avoidance. It's about retraining the way you process your feelings and deal with the insecurities so you can stop being so hateful towards yourself. 

Talk to a friend, talk to a counselor, write it down, (if you're the spiritual type) read scriptures or pray, go for a walk, turn on some uplifting music, take advantage of service opportunities. Anything to stop that dang hamster wheel so you can move forward. It's hard - so very hard - to do. It takes a lot of effort and a lot of work, but it's not impossible.

I'm not suggesting any of this replaces medical or professional treatment. But even when getting treatment, we can have bad days or weeks. And there are a lot of things that can help us get through those bad days. I think the key is figuring out what tools work for you, so when you get overwhelmed, you have those tools at your fingertips to help you overcome it.  (I feel like I should also say, make these healthy tools!)

I am always trying to overcome that negative voice in my head. I fail a lot, but I keep trying.  Yesterday, I spiraled until I was nearly in tears while trying to work my shift.  So I started writing to stop the spinning and give it all an outlet.  It didn't suddenly put me in a bright mood, but it lifted that heaviness enough that it wasn't overwhelming. And today is a much better day.

This time, it was writing. Next time it might be that I need to talk to a friend or sister. And the next time I might need to focus on the little felines in my care. Or I might need to spend some time with friends, or focusing on someone else.

I (we!) have already made it through 100% of my (our) bad days. Tomorrow will be better.

It's Fall, y'all!

When I was 10 years old, I spent 6 months in NY state, from around June to Christmas time. Which meant I got to experience Autumn in New York and y'all, I fell in love with Fall.  Autumn in the Northeast US is a whole different world than anything I'd experienced before.  The tropical-ish climate of Florida can't hold a candle to the vibrant colors of the Northeast.  

To this day, Fall is my favorite season.  I love the cooler temps, the lower humidity, and the beautiful colors as the foliage changes. It lightens my heart every time I walk outside to crisper and cooler air.  I love that early morning fog we often get.  There's something about low-level fog over field as the sun rises that brings peace to my soul.

I live in the deep South and I am not a fan of the hot and humid summers. So when I saw the forecast for the amazing fall temperatures we had coming this weekend, I made plans with a friend to spend some time outside.  We are headed to a simple walking trail to enjoy a stroll in this beautiful weather while we visit and catch up.  I'm so looking forward to it.  I've often heard and read that one very effective way to combat depression and anxiety is to get out in nature.  Since I'm not the outdoorsy type, this is not something I put much effort into.  It's just another reason I look forward to Fall.  And amid all the distancing and isolation, I think it's an especially good time to get out and enjoy it.  It's such a small, simple thing that can do a person so much good.

With all the craziness we've had this year, it seems that those small and simple things hold greater value than ever before.  Well, I suppose it's not the value that's changed, just our ability and willingness to see it.

Today I am fully embracing the quiet joys. Furbaby snuggles, reading a book, staying warm in cozy sweaters, hot chocolate, and taking a walk in perfect fall weather with a dear friend. It's a pretty perfect kind of day.

Happy Fall, Y'all!