How you made them feel

I learned so many great lessons from my mom. Even now that she's gone, I feel like I'm still learning from her and the example she was.

I was thinking about my mom this morning. Many years ago, my parents served a mission for our church and served on a cattle and citrus ranch. Part of my mom's time was spent volunteering at the local elementary school. She worked one-on-one with some of the students to help them with subjects in which they were struggling.

I remember mom telling me how one boy she helped was almost failing math, but after working with her, he was passing with a good grade. She was so proud of him for his improvement, and proud of herself for being able to help him.

I was a little surprised because Mom was not good at math! She was, however, tolerant, kind, and almost unfailingly patient. These kiddos definitely benefited from her gentleness in helping with their schoolwork. I'm sure she helped them feel safe and unhurried, so they had time to really learn.

It just goes to show that patience and kindness can work wonders. 

Maya Angelou once said "I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel."

You don't have to be an expert to help a child with math or spelling. And you don't have to have all the answers to help a friend going through a difficult time. You just need to be there - be a safe place by being patient, kind, and supportive. That will likely mean more than any expertise or advice, anyway.

Feeling safe and loved is powerful medicine. We all need it and we can all give it.

Awkward

I'm awkward. I'm not sure how much others notice it, but it's there and it's big. In fact, I've noticed lately that in my attempts to try to relate to people, it seems I end up just making them uncomfortable. But I also have no idea how to make that better. Because, well, awkward.

Ah, social anxiety, you evil beast! *shakes fist at the sky in futility*

Being the overthinking, analytical, introspective person I am, I'm always trying to figure this out. Why am I anxious in social situations? Why is it so hard to connect with people? How can I help myself not feel so awkward?

Yeah, I don't know. *shrug*

I'm sure the educated objectivity of a therapist would help. Until then, I keep trying. 

There are times the anxiety is too much and I just can't deal, but I do try. I go to a game night once a month. I go to church. I go to work. I try to hang out with friends. Try to support people with important events. I dont always manage it and when I do, I'm usually feeling awkward and out of place the whole time. It can be taxing and exhausting and even scary. But I try anyway. 

I think a lot of us try. And I think it can be easy to devalue the bravery in that - in doing things scared, in doing things that are hard. Because it is brave to be scared and do it anyway. Even if it's something as "simple" as making a phone call. Even if we feel super weird and awkward.

So let's give ourselves a pat on the back. Let's give ourselves credit and give ourselves a break. 

There is value and bravery in trying.

Reflection

There are times when another's view of who we are is much more a reflection of them than it is of us. That's especially true when someone doesn't know us well (or at all), or when someone is the type to project their own behavior/mentality on others.

I remember being told (quite a lot) in my youth that I'm argumentative and confrontational. In particular, that I argued for no reason - just for the sake of being contrary and that I loved to argue. Which has never been true about me. I can definitely argue, but its always been because I disagree or think something is wrong. I do not enjoy fighting in any form. The same is true for being confrontational. It's another form of fighting and I usually avoid it.

What I learned as I got older is that the person who always said these things about and to me wasn't really describing me. He was describing himself - he was projecting his own behaviors on me because he was too narrow minded to recognize that similar doesn't mean the same.

I'll be honest here, I'm still angry at him for treating me this way. I was raised to think for myself, but I was also treated like doing so was disappointing to the point of disgust. Neverending contradiction. It really messed with my head and I still struggle with mental and emotional health because if it.

Fortunately, there was a stabilizing force in my life, too, in the form of a very loving and accepting person. And somehow, I think I've managed to turn out to be kind in spite of - or maybe even because of - the difficulties. And in the process, I've learned a couple of really important things.

One: let people be wrong about you. No matter how sure someone is that they have you figured out - be honest with and about yourself and if they are wrong, then let them be. You know yourself and if you like you, then that is what's important.

Two: be careful with your thoughts and opinions about others. It's possible you're the one that's wrong about someone. So be generous and gracious in how you see others, and be kind in how you treat them. No matter if they're strangers, acquaintances, friends, or family.