Advice

I recently got some advice that had a big impact on me.

I've had a few difficult things going on this week, one of which caused me a lot of hurt and anger. Because of that, I was thinking a great deal on this advice and decided it was worth sharing.

A few months ago, in a book club, we were asked about good advice we'd been given in our lives.  I don't know who this originally came from, but a lady in the meeting quoted someone as saying "Let people be wrong about you."

I heard that and just thought, woah. Wow.  It was very easy to see the wisdom in this.  There will always be people who form opinions of you that are way off base.  Sometimes they are people we barely know so it may never really impact us what their opinion is.  But sometimes this will happen with people who are close to you, even family.  Some of you may be the type to not really care what others think of you to begin with, but I think most of us are not like that.  Not that anyone else's opinion defines us, but that doesn't mean we don't care when that opinion is wrong.  But someone else's opinion is not my (or your) responsibility.  As long as I'm doing the best I can and I'm being honest, then l can let them be wrong - in theory.  In practice, that is crazy hard to do.

More recently, a close friend shared some counsel with me because I was dealing with a lot of anger and was at a complete loss of how to improve the situation and let go of that anger.  She told me that people often use the word "should" in our minds, which leads to bad feelings because we don't have control over things. She also reminded me that we cannot control other people, just like they can't control us.  All we can do is accept who people are and set boundaries and control how we handle those relationships.

It turns out that this is exactly what I needed to hear.  When she told me all of this, I realized that my frustration and anger stemmed a great deal from what I thought should, or should not, be.  This person should know me better than that and I shouldn't need to guard myself from them, they should be a safe place.  Those thoughts are not unreasonable on their own, but thinking in terms of "should" and "should not" creates expectations.  When those expectations are not met I am disappointed, hurt, frustrated and angry.  

It's easy to justify such feelings when someone else's behavior is uncalled for and unkind. But that's where all this amazing advice comes together.  I can't control this person's opinion of me or how they choose to interact with me.  I can set boundaries for that relationship, I can manage my own expectations for them, and I can let them be wrong about me. 

Absolutely none of that is easy.

But hearing all this made me realize I was frustrated over things I can't control and reminded me of the things I can control.  And much of the weight from the hurt and anger lifted.  

Such a tender mercy to have a wonderful and special friend who was able to help me through something so difficult by giving me advice that I desperately needed.