Hope

Today is by brother's birthday; he would be 43 if he were still with us. He's been gone since 1995 and was 17 when he died. I remember when we hit the 18 year mark and how that felt significant because he'd been gone longer than he was here. It's still bizarre to think he's been gone the majority of my life.

Every year on his birthday, and on the anniversary of his death, he is on my mind. Some years, it's just part of the day and memories flit around throughout. But sometimes, like today, it hits me pretty hard and feels more like he's only been gone a year or two, rather than over 25 years.

I don't know what the difference is or why it's harder some years than others. Maybe it's just the nature of grief - because you never "get over" losing a loved one. Even though your life continues to grow around it, that hole stays in your heart always. So I guess it's not really surprising that there are times it can feel so much bigger than others.

My big brother has been on my mind all week. There have been many times over the years that I have desperately wished he were still here. Wished that I had him to turn to for his opinion or advice. I've hoped that we would have become better friends as we got older. And I have wished for our family to feel a little more whole.

I do believe and have faith that I will see my brother again because I believe that families are eternal. But today my heart is heavy, feeling that loss from so many years ago, missing my brother, feeling something like homesickness for the missed opportunity to know each other as adults. Even in the sadness and grief, though, my faith in eternal families gives me peace and hope.

At the end of the day, that peace and hope is what I reach for and cling to. It's how I made it through those first and most difficult years. It's what keeps me going. It's what reminds me there is a purpose to this life. 

I'm sure a few more tears will be shed today. I'm also sure that my faith, and the peace and hope it brings, will continue to get me through and give me comfort and rest.

First Impressions

I've been thinking for the past several days about first impressions - how important they are, how they can affect your opinion and view of a person, how they can be spot-on or way off, and how we can sometimes make up our minds too quickly about a person.

This is probably why I like the process of writing.  It gives me time to think about my words and what I'm saying.  I have the flexibility to adjust it, rearrange it, analyze it, all to make sure it comes across the way I want.  That the way I express my thoughts reflects what I am trying to say and the intention behind them.  We don't usually have that opportunity when we first meet someone, not to mention the environment and circumstances of said meeting can affect a person's behavior and perspective.

I'm a big believer in first impressions.  Not so much that one needs to be on their best behavior or present the best picture of their life.  It's more intuitive than that for me.  I often get a vibe off a person upon first meeting them, but I'm also an observer.  Whatever I might sense upon a first interaction, I tend to notice if getting to know them supports that first impression or not.  Most of the time, it does.  A few years ago, however, I had a bit of a wake-up call that I sometimes judge a person's character too quickly

Around the same time, I came to the acquaintance of two different people.  I met and knew both of them through the same organization, though my experiences with them were otherwise unrelated.  One of them was a man whose behavior led me to believe he was a hard, harsh kind of person who was far too concerned with things going his way.  The other was a woman who came across to me as stuck up and condescending.  For a long time, I held onto these impressions, which kept me from getting to know either of them very well.  But I eventually saw how wrong I was.

One day I had the opportunity to have a conversation with the man I mentioned, and I finally let myself see that there was a great deal more to him.  He was thoughtful and kind, he was a good husband and father who saw his faults and tried to improve on them.  While I never thought he was a bad person, I did start to see what a truly good man he is.

Very close in timing, I had a similar experience with the woman I mentioned.  We happened to be in the same place and the same time and she expressed deep compassion for me in regards to some very difficult circumstances in my life.  She also showed that compassion in service towards me in very simple, but meaningful, ways.  Again, I finally started to see that while our personalities may not mesh all the time, this woman has a kind and compassionate heart.

These experiences always stand out in my memory because they happened so close together.  I have no doubt that the timing was not even close to coincidental.  I had something to learn about myself.  I know that arrogance and conceit are things I find repulsive, as are demanding and controlling behaviors.  In this case, though, because I saw these unappealing things in my first interactions or exposure to these two individuals, I was not willing to look beyond those perceived characteristics. The result was a biased and unfair opinion on my part that was a disservice to all of us.  I could have developed friendships with these lovely people had I not been so narrowminded.

I'm still a big believer in first impressions, especially the intuitive kind.  We get those for a reason and we should pay attention to them.  But I also believe that our own past experience can affect those first impressions.  It takes some introspection and honesty to see when we are being unfair.  Then it takes humility and courage to look deep enough to see who a person really is.  It's something I still work at every day.

Mary

My church in my area usually puts on a Christmas Festival each year.  This year, of course, is different - because 2020.  But one of my favorite parts of this festival was the live nativity.  There would be the common scenes we think of as part of Nativity that were on "display" but it was people, in stead of pictures or art.  There was no speaking or acting, no interactions. But it was people from the church in the area, dressed up as guards, shepherds, wise men, Mary and Joseph with a baby Jesus.  With each "scene" there was also a scripture shown on a poster about it.  There is really a special feeling as you walk through and see these live representations of events surrounding the birth of Christ.

I remember the first time I walked through the live nativity, I was very touched by the spirit I felt there.  The last scene you see is Mary and Joseph with baby Jesus in his manger bed.  As you leave that room, the scripture displayed is from Luke chapter 2, verse 19: 

"But Mary kept all these things, and pondered them in her heart."

For some reason, reading this scripture evoked quite an emotional response in me. I couldn't really define why, but it was something that touched by heart deeply.  I can only imagine that Mary felt overwhelmed by her responsibility to raise this precious child, by all those who sought Him out, and by the love she felt for her son.  But I also imagine Mary was a gentle soul, possibly quiet and introverted by nature.  And so her response to all of these big and amazing things, and all the powerful emotions she experienced, was to keep them and ponder them in her heart.

I still have a similar emotional response to reading or hearing this verse and I often get choked up and teary eyed.  Perhaps it's because I relate to pondering things in my heart. I am a talker and a thinker.  The running dialogue in my head never stops and even though I do talk a lot, I also keep a lot close to my heart.  I also struggle to connect with others, often feeling "outside" the norm.  So to feel some connection with this very choice woman, who was chosen to bear and raise the Son of God, is a powerful feeling.  It is a tender mercy that I am very grateful for.

The holiday season is usually hard for me.  Seeing all the families celebrate together, creating traditions together, often causes me to see what my life lacks.  But I was inspired today when a woman spoke at church of her own experience when she felt a connection to Mary; it helped me recognize and appreciate my own feelings of connection. 

I hope that we can all feel the spirit of this Christmas season - the spirit of joy and service and love.