The only way is through

I feel like grief still overshadows everything in my life. I miss my mom so desperately at times that it feels like my heart is breaking all over again.  And now I have to face Christmas without her.

The "firsts" without someone are always hard. First birthday, first anniversary, first holiday... its all a stark reminder that someone you love is no longer here with you. And coming up on the first Christmas makes it feel so fresh and raw all over again. It can take a lot out of you and I've really felt it. Felt lost in depression and grief.

I think the holiday season is just harder because all of the family traditions of my childhood are wrapped up in my mother.  I'm the youngest in my family, so i wasn't around when most of our traditions got started, but Mom was definitely the one who kept them going. The Easter baskets, the stockings, the pies, homemade cookies, Sunday pot roast. Mom did all of it. Maybe it has something to do with not having my own family to start new traditions with, but I have felt her absence so acutely in recent weeks. 

We are doing our family Christmas early this year and I'm kind of dreading it because I can't bear the thought of doing Christmas without Mom. I even considered bailing because I don't feel ready to deal with it.  But the reality is that there's no [healthy] way around dealing with it. Avoiding it this year would only make it harder next year. 

The only way is through. 

You have to let yourself feel the loss and the pain. If you don't deal with that, you don't give yourself the capacity to let your life continue to grow. 

Mom was my person. She was my safe place, my friend and confidant. Mom was home.  No one can replace that. But one day, I'll have a new definition of home and maybe that will even include someone else.  But getting to that point means facing the pain now, letting my mind and heart work through it.

So even though it's hard and I fully expect to spend a lot of my weekend in tears, I'm going to spend it with family, celebrating Christmas. Listening to Christmas music, remembering and continuing traditions, missing Mom, but enjoying family.  Which I know will make Mom happy.  And hopefully it will help me move forward, too.

Thoughts

So many things have been on my mind lately.

Losing a parent, especially one you're close to, is so hard. I miss my sweet mom with every breath I take. There is not a thing in my life that grief doesn't touch. And then there are all the changes we are dealing with because she is gone. Plus all the normal life stuff, like my job and my work at church. Then there's all the health issues I'm trying to get under control.  Add in some mental illness and it's sometimes overwhelming to be a person. It can make your heart heavy, make it hard to get through the day.

A week ago (or so), I had many things I wanted to get done. My list was long and time consuming and I knew I wouldn't get to it all. I hoped I would be able to tackle a good chunk of it, but by the end of the day, I'd barely done anything.  I was a little disappointed in my lack of accomplishment, but then I remembered something I saw a while back. 

A quote from a college professor somewhere: "anything worth doing is worth doing poorly."

That's a head scratching one, isn't it? Quite the opposite of how I was raised. But the point of it is, it's better to do something than nothing. For people with mental illness like depression or anxiety, this can be life changing. When taking a shower is too much, at least wash your face. When cleaning the whole kitchen is too much, at least take out the trash. And so on.

What a different way to look at yourself!

On this particular day, all I had wanted to do since I woke up was just stay in bed. I wanted to sleep and read and eat cookie dough and call it a day.  In stead, I got up and got some things done. I was ridiculously tired and very low on energy and it took all day, but I did it.  I managed to adult and accomplish something. 

What I did not do was nothing. 

I decided to focus on that and be proud of myself for doing something when all I wanted was to do nothing.

Life can sometimes beat you over the head and knock you flat on your back.  But life can also be beautiful; full of friends, fall colors and spring flowers, good times and happy memories.

Focusing on the positive doesn't magically cure depression or fast-forward you through the stages of grief. But it does help lift some of the burden, it makes getting through the day a little easier.  Because what we choose to focus on is what we will find.

Listen

I've been thinking about listening. Not just to the people around us, but to that indefinable voice inside that seems to prepare us for things we can't know to expect. Those times when you realize, "something just told me..." or "I had a feeling...".

If you've read my recent posts, you know my mom passed away last month. The month before that, I decided at the last minute to go see her for Mother's Day. During that visit, I uncharacteristically and spontaneously decided to take a selfie of the two of us. I also remember noticing how frail she seemed and wondering how much longer she would be with us.

It turned out to be just a few more weeks.

I was so incredibly grateful I listened and paid attention to that feeling that told me it was important.

Those feelings and thoughts are there for a reason. I sometimes find it hard to tell if it's really a prompting or just my wishful thinking. But there are times that I'm left with no doubt where it's coming from, even if that understanding doesn't come until afterwards. And I often regretted the times I brushed those thoughts aside, thinking I was being silly or foolish.

I'm a religious person and I believe that "voice" is spiritual inspiration or revelation. Some people probably think of it as instinct or intuition. Maybe some people think of it as a guardian angel or as the universe sending you a message.

Whatever it is you believe - listen.