Apologies and Forgiveness

I've been thinking about forgiveness a lot in the past few days.  I can admit that forgiveness is not something that comes easily to me.  I'm pretty terrible about it, really.  But with some things and people I need to forgive, it's on my mind.  And while I'm reminding myself what it means to forgive, I tend to think about apologies, too.  So here are some things I've learned (and have have to remind myself) about what it is to forgive and apologize, but also what it is not.

I've known people (myself included) who won't apologize because they don't think they are wrong. Meaning they feel that an apology is the same as an admission of guilt or wrong-doing.  While that is sometimes true, it isn't always.  Apology is definitely about remorse and accepting responsibility, but that doesn't always equal that we did something "wrong."  It means owning up to the consequences of our choices, behavior, or words, in how they negatively affect others - even when those affects were unintentional or well-meaning.  

For example, we all do and say things that might be hurtful to someone else.  It may be something said or done in thoughtlessness or simply without any way of knowing how it might affect someone else.  Or it may be we think we are just keeping it real or being honest while being harsh with our words and actions.  In those situations, I firmly believe apologizing is important and necessary.  Have compassion and be kind enough to apologize for hurting someone.  Doing so is saying you care enough about the other person to regret hurting them. 

I think there are even more common misconceptions about forgiveness.  I've known people who think forgiveness is only required when someone apologizes or shows remorse.  I've known people who think forgiveness equals accepting and allowing poor behavior or bad choices.  I've seen people who think they don't have to forgive unless that behavior changes.

None of that is true.

You can forgive someone for betraying you even if they don't apologize and without allowing them to remain in your life.  You can forgive someone for stealing from you without allowing them to do so again.  You can forgive an abusive spouse even if you choose to leave the marriage.  You can forgive someone for being rude even if they never change.  Because forgiveness isn't even really about the other person. It isn't being a doormat, it isn't accepting or allowing whatever it is you're forgiving, it isn't saying that the other person didn't do something wrong or hurtful.  

Forgiveness is about letting go of the anger and resentment so that you aren't weighed down and defined by what someone else did or said to you.  I've even heard it said that not forgiving someone is like drinking poison yourself but expecting the other person to die.  Holding a grudge only weighs us down with anger and resentment, it damages our own mental health and emotional well-being.  And that is no way to live.

I'm always working at this.  And over the past several weeks, as I've been dealing with a lot of anger, resentment, and irritability, I've been reminding myself a lot about forgiveness.  I think I will need some divine help to get there, because it does not seem to come naturally to me.  But it's important that we learn and know that forgiveness is not contingent in any way upon the other person.  Forgiveness is entirely our own choice - one that will make us happier and bring light where the darkness of anger used to be.

Mirror

I've been super irritable for the last couple days.  

I've been frustrated with some situations at work, people being unreliable and sometimes dishonest.  I've caught myself wondering many times why people can't just do what they're supposed to do.  I realized I'm still angry over something (personal) that happened weeks ago.  And I'm experiencing burnout and need a break that I can't afford to take.

Then I'm further frustrated with myself for being angry and frustrated over things I can't control and not practicing that great advice I wrote about recently. (It was all about managing expectations, healthy boundaries, letting people be wrong about me)

I know it doesn't do any good to be angry because it only hurts me.  I also don't really know how to let go of it.  Maybe it's a sense of righteous indignation - like I feel justified in my anger because I know the other person is in the wrong.  But it doesn't really work that way.  I can be angry until the end of time and it won't change anybody but me - and not in a good way.

I'm sure there's a healthy dose of guilt mixed in there, too.  A lady spoke at church a couple days ago about charity.  I wish I could remember in better detail, but she broke down those verses that teach us how charity is patient and kind, it does not envy or boast, is not resentful, and how charity never fails.  As I listened to her talk, it made me look in a mirror and examine my own behavior in recent weeks.  I found myself lacking.

I've been impatient and resentful, even judgmental.  It leaves me feeling bitter, which only sours my overall mood and temperament.  And it leaves me not being particularly kind to the people I see as making my job more difficult.  Even if it's only in my thoughts, it's not really fair - to them or to myself.

I don't have the answers yet, but I am recognizing where I need to improve, which is a good first step.  I'm pretty sure what I need will involve scriptures and prayer. 

It's human nature that we don't feel the need to fix what we don't see as broken.  So, sometimes we need to take a good look in the mirror and be honest with ourselves.  That's where becoming a better person starts.

Be a Fred Rogers

Earlier this week, I was thinking about the movie It's A Beautiful Day In The Neighborhood. It's about Fred Rogers. (If you haven't seen it, btw, you should) It was a little different than I expected; I thought it would be more biographical about Mr. Rogers. If anything, the biography side was more about the reporter. But what the film was really about was the influence and impact that Fred Rogers had on people. It truly honored his memory and his legacy.

Fred Rogers was such a good man; he was kind and gentle and loving. The more I have learned of him, the more I've seen how much he wanted to do good in the world and how much good he accomplished. His focus seemed to be on children, because of the tv show, but he exuded love for people of all kinds. He was patient and forgiving. Such an example of kindness, respect, and tolerance.

There's a scene in the film where the reporter is talking to Mrs. Rogers and she tells him how Fred had a temper, but always worked to keep it in check. How he always thought about his words before he spoke. It was a short and sweet scene, but so important. Just like Mr. Rogers did in his TV show, it showed us how he wasn't just gifted with patience or perfect words. He had to work at it. I believe his love for others, his desire to help them, was deep and genuine. But I love knowing it didn't always come easy.

I am a Christian and believe in a loving Heavenly Father who wants us to love one another. I know not everyone believes as I do. That's why people like Fred Rogers are so important. While he was a man of faith, he didn't express his love for others as contingent upon or as an extension of his love for God. He just loved people. And it showed because he treated them with kindness, patience, tolerance, and understanding. Fred Rogers taught us all how to be a good human being.

The world needs more of that. More loving kindness, more forgiveness, more tolerance.

American society has become so self-centered and self-righteous. There are those who feel entitled to be cruel simply because they can be - especially online when they don't have to face the victim of their hatefulness. There are those who promote selfishness. The media and entertainment industries shove narrow-minded ideas in our faces constantly. Celebrities are revered as if being famous somehow makes them intelligent and wise and many of them abuse that position. But it doesn't have to be that way.

Mountains aren’t moved in the blink of an eye, Mountains are moved one grain of dirt at a time.  Just like the world will not change overnight. The world will change one person, one act of kindness, one moment of compassion, at a time. Kindness and compassion many of us learned (at least in part) from a simple, but inspired, children's TV show.

Random Musings

One thing I'm realizing with this venture of writing a blog is that I mostly feel the drive to write when I'm dealing with something difficult. Probably because writing about it does the same thing that talking about it does - stops the hamster wheel and helps me lineate everything so I can actually deal with it. But then I worry that I'm being too negative. And then I remind myself that it's about being real, not always being positive. Then all the insecurities of putting myself out there like this come bubbling up because people will actually read this. Then I overthink myself out of being able to write about anything because I can't get my thoughts together.

It's fun having a super analytical mind coupled with anxiety. Super fun. Yeah, not so much. But it does make for a million topics to talk about over the course of a couple weeks. So here's some of the things that have been on my mind.

I'm happy I finally got some good shoes for work because it has minimized my back pain from the horrible shoes I've been wearing for over a year. Yay!  This also makes me realize how old I am.  I really need to find a way to embrace being middle aged. 😑

I've noticed that my reading pace has slowed because I'm spending way too much time on social media. Way. Too. Much. My addictive behavior seems to have transferred from books to Facebook. Yikes. Not sure how to fix that. (It'll probably require therapy).

This makes me think of addiction in general.  I've known since I was a teenager I have addictive tendencies or behaviors.  I'm not even sure how I recognized that at such a young age, but I did.  One thing I've learned about addiction is that it's almost never about the thing thing you're addicted to. At least, it doesn't start that way.  It's a coping mechanism, it's an escape, it's a way of trying to fill a void, it's an easy way out of dealing with something too real.  I think that's important to recognize and understand for anyone dealing with addiction - either yourself or someone you know and care about. (Disclaimer - I just want to point out here that I am not a professional. These are things I've learned through experience and in hearing from others with similar issues)

I've been thinking about how isolated I feel and how guarded I am.  I haven't had some great epiphany or breakthrough or anything. But I have come to realize that much of it is trauma response.  Trauma is damaging no matter the circumstances, but childhood trauma leaves its mark so deep that you can spend your entire life trying to overcome your learned trauma response. (Another reminder that I should probably be in therapy)

I had a cold sore pop up last week.  Mildly annoying because I didn't have medicine handy so my lip looked like someone punched me.  But since the main trigger for a breakout is stress, it made me wonder what triggered my stress. I came to the conclusion that it was work - specifically a coworker - that's had me so on edge.  My days have been filled with frustration galore because it's hard teach someone who doesn't listen or pay attention.  Maybe I shouldn't have included this part; I can feel my shoulders tensing just thinking about it. *sigh*

I've been thinking about how glad I am that I finally adopted a couple kitties earlier this year.  It had been two years since my previous cat died and I had been wanting another cat ever since.  It felt like providence, though, when I finally found these furbabies.  I'm not sure why I had to wait so long, but I definitely feel like these girls are such a good fit for me.  They are both affectionate lovebugs and I love it. Even when they get all in my face as I try to type.

A friend of mine told me once that she liked that I was a thinker.  I think I responded with something like "it never stops."  It's the blessing and the curse of an analytical mind.  It helps me see and notice things that some people don't, It helps me problem solve, it helps me learn and understand new things.  It also makes me overthink, which leads to anxiety or making things harder than they need to be.  But at the end of the day, it's something I like and appreciate about myself.  Even though I do sometimes wish my brain had an off switch.  Alas, no off switch. Guess I'll have to escape my thoughts by getting lost in a book. Such a hardship for a book junkie. 😂

I think that'll conclude my self-therapy for today!