Apologies and Forgiveness

I've been thinking about forgiveness a lot in the past few days.  I can admit that forgiveness is not something that comes easily to me.  I'm pretty terrible about it, really.  But with some things and people I need to forgive, it's on my mind.  And while I'm reminding myself what it means to forgive, I tend to think about apologies, too.  So here are some things I've learned (and have have to remind myself) about what it is to forgive and apologize, but also what it is not.

I've known people (myself included) who won't apologize because they don't think they are wrong. Meaning they feel that an apology is the same as an admission of guilt or wrong-doing.  While that is sometimes true, it isn't always.  Apology is definitely about remorse and accepting responsibility, but that doesn't always equal that we did something "wrong."  It means owning up to the consequences of our choices, behavior, or words, in how they negatively affect others - even when those affects were unintentional or well-meaning.  

For example, we all do and say things that might be hurtful to someone else.  It may be something said or done in thoughtlessness or simply without any way of knowing how it might affect someone else.  Or it may be we think we are just keeping it real or being honest while being harsh with our words and actions.  In those situations, I firmly believe apologizing is important and necessary.  Have compassion and be kind enough to apologize for hurting someone.  Doing so is saying you care enough about the other person to regret hurting them. 

I think there are even more common misconceptions about forgiveness.  I've known people who think forgiveness is only required when someone apologizes or shows remorse.  I've known people who think forgiveness equals accepting and allowing poor behavior or bad choices.  I've seen people who think they don't have to forgive unless that behavior changes.

None of that is true.

You can forgive someone for betraying you even if they don't apologize and without allowing them to remain in your life.  You can forgive someone for stealing from you without allowing them to do so again.  You can forgive an abusive spouse even if you choose to leave the marriage.  You can forgive someone for being rude even if they never change.  Because forgiveness isn't even really about the other person. It isn't being a doormat, it isn't accepting or allowing whatever it is you're forgiving, it isn't saying that the other person didn't do something wrong or hurtful.  

Forgiveness is about letting go of the anger and resentment so that you aren't weighed down and defined by what someone else did or said to you.  I've even heard it said that not forgiving someone is like drinking poison yourself but expecting the other person to die.  Holding a grudge only weighs us down with anger and resentment, it damages our own mental health and emotional well-being.  And that is no way to live.

I'm always working at this.  And over the past several weeks, as I've been dealing with a lot of anger, resentment, and irritability, I've been reminding myself a lot about forgiveness.  I think I will need some divine help to get there, because it does not seem to come naturally to me.  But it's important that we learn and know that forgiveness is not contingent in any way upon the other person.  Forgiveness is entirely our own choice - one that will make us happier and bring light where the darkness of anger used to be.