Self Care

Self-care has been on my mind a lot in recent months.  Thinking about what self-care really means and what that looks like for me and how different it might look for others.

If you've ever used a plane as a mode of transportation, you know that in the emergency briefing, they tell you that if the oxygen masks drop down, secure your own mask before assisting another person.  Do you know why that is?  Because you can't help someone else if you pass out due to lack of oxygen.  That's exactly the point behind self-care, right?  But so many of us struggle with it.

A few years ago, there were a few months that were very difficult and exhausting.  My mom was dealing with a lot of medical issues and was in the hospital and rehab a lot, I was working full time, had my sister at home who was alone a lot during this time, I had a calling at church, and I had a cat to take care of.  I remember that I felt like I was always running.  I was running at work all day, then running to go spend time with mom, then running home to see my sister and my cat, trying to do my work for my calling in between all of that, then getting up the next day to do it all again.  Weekends weren't much better.  Just running all the time and I was running myself into the ground.  I do remember feeling some relief when I finally let myself slow down or pause for 15 minutes.  But those times were rare.

It wasn't until many months, maybe even a year, later that I realized just how much I had neglected myself because I could tell I was not fully recovered from the bone-deep exhaustion.  It wasn't just physical, either.  I was weary in my soul and emotionally worn out, too.  I had wanted to be there for my family, they had needed me, but I was doing too much.  People would remind me that I needed to take care of myself, that I needed to take time for myself.  That was true, but I didn't know how!  It seemed like if I slowed down or took time for myself that I was neglecting something or someone.  I felt like I didn't have the time and I definitely didn't have the energy for anything.  I was pushing through my days and had nothing left at the end.  

So, when my sister suffered a broken leg and had to go into rehab after surgery, I knew I had to handle things differently.  I knew I couldn't push myself like I did before, so I managed my own expectations, as well as my sister's expectations.  And when I felt myself wearing out again, I slowed it down even more.

What I learned from all of this is that self-care is not selfish, it isn't neglecting your family.  It’s not about the indulgence of a bubble bath or a pedicure, it isn't about buying yourself something special.  Self-care is about balance - it's about knowing your limits and setting healthy boundaries.  It's about knowing when to say no, when to slow down, when to pause, and when to keep pushing, and maybe even when to indulge.  Sometimes that might be a bubble bath or pedicure, or escaping into a book (my favorite), or taking walk in nature alone.  It might look like not doing all the things for other people or it might look like taking the time to serve someone else.

What self-care looks like will be different for everyone.  We all have different lives, different needs, different responsibilities, different personalities.  But we all have to take care of ourselves.  We can only do that if we pay attention to ourselves and how our bodies and minds are being affected by all the things we do in a day.  Then with that knowledge we need to prioritize the things that matter and allow ourselves the limits and boundaries that we need to be mentally and emotionally healthy.

Advice

I recently got some advice that had a big impact on me.

I've had a few difficult things going on this week, one of which caused me a lot of hurt and anger. Because of that, I was thinking a great deal on this advice and decided it was worth sharing.

A few months ago, in a book club, we were asked about good advice we'd been given in our lives.  I don't know who this originally came from, but a lady in the meeting quoted someone as saying "Let people be wrong about you."

I heard that and just thought, woah. Wow.  It was very easy to see the wisdom in this.  There will always be people who form opinions of you that are way off base.  Sometimes they are people we barely know so it may never really impact us what their opinion is.  But sometimes this will happen with people who are close to you, even family.  Some of you may be the type to not really care what others think of you to begin with, but I think most of us are not like that.  Not that anyone else's opinion defines us, but that doesn't mean we don't care when that opinion is wrong.  But someone else's opinion is not my (or your) responsibility.  As long as I'm doing the best I can and I'm being honest, then l can let them be wrong - in theory.  In practice, that is crazy hard to do.

More recently, a close friend shared some counsel with me because I was dealing with a lot of anger and was at a complete loss of how to improve the situation and let go of that anger.  She told me that people often use the word "should" in our minds, which leads to bad feelings because we don't have control over things. She also reminded me that we cannot control other people, just like they can't control us.  All we can do is accept who people are and set boundaries and control how we handle those relationships.

It turns out that this is exactly what I needed to hear.  When she told me all of this, I realized that my frustration and anger stemmed a great deal from what I thought should, or should not, be.  This person should know me better than that and I shouldn't need to guard myself from them, they should be a safe place.  Those thoughts are not unreasonable on their own, but thinking in terms of "should" and "should not" creates expectations.  When those expectations are not met I am disappointed, hurt, frustrated and angry.  

It's easy to justify such feelings when someone else's behavior is uncalled for and unkind. But that's where all this amazing advice comes together.  I can't control this person's opinion of me or how they choose to interact with me.  I can set boundaries for that relationship, I can manage my own expectations for them, and I can let them be wrong about me. 

Absolutely none of that is easy.

But hearing all this made me realize I was frustrated over things I can't control and reminded me of the things I can control.  And much of the weight from the hurt and anger lifted.  

Such a tender mercy to have a wonderful and special friend who was able to help me through something so difficult by giving me advice that I desperately needed.

Comparisons

Comparison is EVIL. Seriously.

Raise your hand if you tend to compare yourself to others.

Why aren't my curls as smooth as hers? She's thinner than I am. Is he smarter than I am? I'm not as good at [fill in the blank] as they are.

And a million other things - probably in ways we don't even realize.

I'm a religious person. I believe in God and Jesus Christ. I believe in honoring the law and in standing up for what is right. I know that the only standard that matters, the only one I should be trying to live up to, is to emulate my Savior. I also know that my Heavenly Father does not expect me to be perfect in this lifetime. He only wants me to try, to make good choices and to love my neighbor.

I know this.

Even so, I still have this horrible habit of comparing myself to others. Occasionally, it feeds my pride, and I get humbled along the way. But most of the time, I find myself lacking.

There's an objective part of my brain that knows I'm being too hard on myself, that I'm being unfair in those comparisons. But the emotional part of my brain is not getting the memo. So I end up thinking, I suck at this, my efforts don't count because this other person does it better, etc. I could go on and on.

And, I mean, really. It's ridiculously unfair. Most of us don't think that way about others. We look at the work of ten different artists and we have favorites among them, but all are beautiful. We don't think our one or two favorites are the only ones of value. 

But that's exactly what we are doing to ourselves when we compare. That person's [whatever] is better than mine, therefore mine isn't worth as much or worth anything.

Just like having favorites among ten different works of art, we will each have different favorites. I like this one. You like that one. Joe likes this other one. That doesn't mean we don't see the beauty and appreciate the others.

It's important for us to see the beauty and appreciate ourselves as much as we do for other people.

It's one of those things I'm still learning how to do, fumbling along the way. I think it comes back to retraining the voice in our heads - change those comparisons into something positive. Try looking at yourself the way you would a friend, compliment yourself, be your own cheerleader. That seems like a good place to start.