Mary

My church in my area usually puts on a Christmas Festival each year.  This year, of course, is different - because 2020.  But one of my favorite parts of this festival was the live nativity.  There would be the common scenes we think of as part of Nativity that were on "display" but it was people, in stead of pictures or art.  There was no speaking or acting, no interactions. But it was people from the church in the area, dressed up as guards, shepherds, wise men, Mary and Joseph with a baby Jesus.  With each "scene" there was also a scripture shown on a poster about it.  There is really a special feeling as you walk through and see these live representations of events surrounding the birth of Christ.

I remember the first time I walked through the live nativity, I was very touched by the spirit I felt there.  The last scene you see is Mary and Joseph with baby Jesus in his manger bed.  As you leave that room, the scripture displayed is from Luke chapter 2, verse 19: 

"But Mary kept all these things, and pondered them in her heart."

For some reason, reading this scripture evoked quite an emotional response in me. I couldn't really define why, but it was something that touched by heart deeply.  I can only imagine that Mary felt overwhelmed by her responsibility to raise this precious child, by all those who sought Him out, and by the love she felt for her son.  But I also imagine Mary was a gentle soul, possibly quiet and introverted by nature.  And so her response to all of these big and amazing things, and all the powerful emotions she experienced, was to keep them and ponder them in her heart.

I still have a similar emotional response to reading or hearing this verse and I often get choked up and teary eyed.  Perhaps it's because I relate to pondering things in my heart. I am a talker and a thinker.  The running dialogue in my head never stops and even though I do talk a lot, I also keep a lot close to my heart.  I also struggle to connect with others, often feeling "outside" the norm.  So to feel some connection with this very choice woman, who was chosen to bear and raise the Son of God, is a powerful feeling.  It is a tender mercy that I am very grateful for.

The holiday season is usually hard for me.  Seeing all the families celebrate together, creating traditions together, often causes me to see what my life lacks.  But I was inspired today when a woman spoke at church of her own experience when she felt a connection to Mary; it helped me recognize and appreciate my own feelings of connection. 

I hope that we can all feel the spirit of this Christmas season - the spirit of joy and service and love.

Christmas time

I'm gonna be real here - the holidays are hard for me.  It can take a lot of effort to enjoy all that the season brings.  There is one Christmas song, though, that is very special to me and always seems help me feel more of what Christmas is about. It touches my heart and often even brings a tear to my eye: The Little Drummer Boy.

I have loved this carol since my childhood, but as I've gotten older, I've come to see there is precious truth taught in this simple song.

Jesus, the Savior of the world, was born and raised in humble circumstances.  Some of those who believed in the prophesied Messiah sought Him out to see Him, to meet Him.  In the story of this carol, they bring their finest gifts to honor the new born king.  The little boy had no fine gifts to bring, but offered to play his drum to honor Jesus. And he did - he played his drum and played his best.  And then is the most precious line in the entire song, "then He smiled at me, me and my drum."

This sweet song teaches of a loving and accepting Savior.  It teaches that wealth has nothing to do with what a "fine" gift is.  It teaches that offering the best of what we have is not only enough, but an honor.

Every year, I hope for myself to find more joy during this season of celebrating the birth of Christ.  Every year, it is difficult.  But every year, this favorite carol helps me along.

"Come they told me

A new born king to see
Our finest gifts we bring
To lay before the king
So to honor him
When we come

Baby Jesus
I am a poor boy too
I have no gift to bring
That's fit to give our king
Shall I play for you
On my drum

Mary nodded
The ox and lamb kept time
I played my drum for him
I played my best for him
Then he smiled at me
Me and my drum"

Apologies and Forgiveness

I've been thinking about forgiveness a lot in the past few days.  I can admit that forgiveness is not something that comes easily to me.  I'm pretty terrible about it, really.  But with some things and people I need to forgive, it's on my mind.  And while I'm reminding myself what it means to forgive, I tend to think about apologies, too.  So here are some things I've learned (and have have to remind myself) about what it is to forgive and apologize, but also what it is not.

I've known people (myself included) who won't apologize because they don't think they are wrong. Meaning they feel that an apology is the same as an admission of guilt or wrong-doing.  While that is sometimes true, it isn't always.  Apology is definitely about remorse and accepting responsibility, but that doesn't always equal that we did something "wrong."  It means owning up to the consequences of our choices, behavior, or words, in how they negatively affect others - even when those affects were unintentional or well-meaning.  

For example, we all do and say things that might be hurtful to someone else.  It may be something said or done in thoughtlessness or simply without any way of knowing how it might affect someone else.  Or it may be we think we are just keeping it real or being honest while being harsh with our words and actions.  In those situations, I firmly believe apologizing is important and necessary.  Have compassion and be kind enough to apologize for hurting someone.  Doing so is saying you care enough about the other person to regret hurting them. 

I think there are even more common misconceptions about forgiveness.  I've known people who think forgiveness is only required when someone apologizes or shows remorse.  I've known people who think forgiveness equals accepting and allowing poor behavior or bad choices.  I've seen people who think they don't have to forgive unless that behavior changes.

None of that is true.

You can forgive someone for betraying you even if they don't apologize and without allowing them to remain in your life.  You can forgive someone for stealing from you without allowing them to do so again.  You can forgive an abusive spouse even if you choose to leave the marriage.  You can forgive someone for being rude even if they never change.  Because forgiveness isn't even really about the other person. It isn't being a doormat, it isn't accepting or allowing whatever it is you're forgiving, it isn't saying that the other person didn't do something wrong or hurtful.  

Forgiveness is about letting go of the anger and resentment so that you aren't weighed down and defined by what someone else did or said to you.  I've even heard it said that not forgiving someone is like drinking poison yourself but expecting the other person to die.  Holding a grudge only weighs us down with anger and resentment, it damages our own mental health and emotional well-being.  And that is no way to live.

I'm always working at this.  And over the past several weeks, as I've been dealing with a lot of anger, resentment, and irritability, I've been reminding myself a lot about forgiveness.  I think I will need some divine help to get there, because it does not seem to come naturally to me.  But it's important that we learn and know that forgiveness is not contingent in any way upon the other person.  Forgiveness is entirely our own choice - one that will make us happier and bring light where the darkness of anger used to be.